Graduation, Health, & Changes

Mohammed & Amina,

So I graduated from school last year, but am going forward to finish the next level to make sure my future is secure. :-)
Oh...and Amina...something I came across while learning new things...check out Spina Bifida Occulta. I read about it at http://www.shinecharity.org.uk/spinabifida/information-publications/spina-bifida-occult and some of the outward signs you have on your lower back (the red heart mark with a dimple). Might be something for you to be aware of.
I am moving, but staying in the same state. I'm going to be about 15 minutes east of the state capitol over by one of my sisters and will probably be there for at least the next 6 years or so. Really close to one of the state universities. A lot of changes going on in general, but they are all good. One of your female cousins is graduating from Yale this spring. The 2 boys you used to play with are doing well and both are working in construction.
I may not write much here, but I do think of you.

Love Always and Forever

Mother's Day

Mohammed & Amina,

Mother's day from the perspective of the child is a day to give mom flowers and make breakfast in bed. Maybe mom will go to the salon or out to dinner, but to me it is much more than that. To me it is a day to remember you. A day to remember your laugh, your smile, your "I love you mom" notes...a day to remember the joy you brought to my life on the day you were born. A day to send you prayers of light and love through time and space. No one and nothing can take that joy from me. I am grateful this mother's day for all the love we share. And one day....we'll sit across the table from each other and smile xoxo

I love you....now and forever

Love,

Mom

Transition into Adulthood

Well, it looks like it is advice time again!

A new year marks new beginnings.You're getting older with each passing day and I want to give some more words of wisdom. I know driving is probably in your mind now. I know I went right after my birthday! My dad had me drive his manual truck and I failed the driving test because I stalled the truck while parallel parking. I passed the next time. I am not a fan of driving larger vehicles.

It's good to get a small part time job. Learn to manage your finances, deal with people in a fair and respectable manner, be on time, and to save for financial independence. It is always always always a good idea to save up enough money to have a buffer for an emergency. This amount will change over time, but for now it should probably be enough for gas and car insurance for 2 months. No job is "beneath" you. They all teach lessons whether it's a bagger or a cashier or scrubbing toilets. You have to do step 1 before 2,3,and 4. First impressions stick. Attitude is important.

I enjoyed working in the printing field. It had computer mixed with some graphic design. It had customer service and working with various machines that I could run and fix when they jammed. It was a challenge mentally and fun and I learned so many more skills that I was able to carry forward into future jobs. If you do go the construction route, just be careful...it can really mess up your body over time. I wouldn't advise that route if you can help it (or only do it on the side). It is better to do something with brains versus brawn. Granted...it is good to learn how to do basic repair and building if you're male or female. I mean come on....to not know what a Philip's screwdriver is is kinda bad lol. It is good to have a general knowledge on a broad range of subjects. You don't have to master them all.

Driving is a privilege, not a right. I tend to have a heavy foot (not always on purpose), but if I do get caught, it is my own fault and I have no one to blame but myself. Driving is a "tool". Honestly it is much better to get to work by car than by foot/bike.

An old car/truck is the best bet for your first car. If you damage it, it isn't the end of the world. Insurance is cheaper, taxes are cheaper, and over time the value can go up. A V6 Chevy Camaro from the 80's would probably be a good choice or an older truck that maybe you can work on? Plus buying parts to replace aren't too expensive either. You can get manuals to help teach you how to fix the car. Haynes is a good choice.

Of course you will make mistakes. You don't have to be perfect. What matters is that you tried your best. Just get back up and try again. Life does suck sometimes, but it comes in waves with high points and lows. If it's raining...just wait...eventually it does get better!

I love you.... Good luck with milestones!

Love,
Mom    

Life

Loving You ALWAYS

I LOVE YOU Mohammed & Amina

Mother's Day

So today is mother's day Mohammed Abdelhaq and Amina Abdelhaq...and another year of remembrance of you from afar. So because you can not reach out to me today...I will celebrate you....with happiness, with sadness, with hope......with love.

I love you both with all my heart. Here are some songs for you. Hugs and kisses

Love,
Mom 

Types of Abuse Everyone Should Know About

I'm learning about violence and abuse in one of my nursing classes and felt it was a good thing to share with others. People think of abuse as only using physical punishment, but it is far more than that. If anyone is experiencing any of these, they may wish to take action so they don't continue to live like this. Read more at libraries, seek out support groups. Ask for help. You can NOT change an abuser. This is NOT NORMAL. Life does NOT have to be like this. It CAN be better. I know...I lived it, but am now free.

Happy Birthday Mohammed

To Mohammed Abdelhaq: (An audio from me to you)

In Loving Memory of my Grandpa (your great-grandpa)

Dear Mohammed & Amina,

On November 4, 2014 your great-grandpa Donald Huschke (my father's father) passed away. I loved him very much and I'm sorry you didn't get to know him better. You did meet him once and I have a few pictures below. He was a quiet man...very spiritual and intelligent. He loved to buy old engines and fix them up and sell them. He taught me dowsing and took me to nice places. He was an engineer and was also in the Navy. He had a large garden and would show me all the different plants he grew. He was very ticklish on his feet and when I will little he'd get mad at me for tickling him! He used to go deer hunting and used to make awesome deer sausages. He didn't really say I love you too much even when I said it to him. He would respond once in a while with an I love you, but he wasn't a man to show his emotions too much. He lost his memory after his wife died and it was sad when I'd call and he didn't know who I was.  

  

I love you both and think of you always. Hugs and kisses....and I'm sorry for your loss.

Love,
Mom

Imagine

Who I Am

Hi Mohammed and Amina,

I bet you often wonder and often ask yourselves...who is my mom? What is she like? What has she been doing all these years? Well...today you are in luck.

Who I am...well...this is not as easy as it sounds and you'll see why I say this as you get older. I still ask myself this question all the time...and guess what...it is normal and acceptable to do so...and even encouraged! Get ready to sit and read for a while and yes, this is only the highlights.

My past is my past and although I have made mistakes and done some really stupid things (who hasn't)...I actually don't regret one moment of it. Why is because it has made me stronger and made me who I am today. So most people like to talk about only the good things and paint all rainbows and sunshine, but I'm going to give you both as I am TODAY....not yesterday...not 10 years ago....today....

I'll say as a disclaimer for all that you're about to read...I AM HUMAN!
So for my not so great "human" and "normal" qualities that I work on all the time....and things I don't like. I get angry sometimes. I get upset sometimes. I get impatient sometimes. I am probably too much of a work-a-holic. I lose focus and daydream more than I probably should. I strive for perfection in myself and others and sometimes have to tell myself that this is who they are and leave it be. Probably am considered ADD. I thankfully don't get depressed much or deal with PTSD anymore because I've become more spiritually aware and when I do slip and have a "sad day" it usually isn't more than a few hours and then I'm ok again. I'm not great with balance anymore. Have a fear of heights unless I am harnessed to something secure. Totally do not like bugs! Over the years I have become more of an INFJ personality type. I used to be more of an ENFP, but I've calmed down and observe more. I definitely need my alone time once and a while to recharge. Also now that I'm older and become more responsible...that "P" personality kinda is starting to bug me now that I'm planning my life more and where I want to go. Yeah, totally not a fan of my life hitting bumps in the road and setting my goal off course. Not all that great with telling jokes. Anything in math higher than Pre-Calculus scares me. Chemistry was a challenge too. Can't dance all that well. Sometimes walk into the edge of walls/doors lol because yes...I was distracted and daydreaming again. Really not a fan of getting dirty through actual dirt or germs. Can't stand closed minded people. Will not tolerate abusive people. Can't stand fat on meat. Not a fan of a lot of seafood. Not the greatest with organization, but I can usually follow what someone has created. Anything over 70 degrees outside has become too hot, like the 60's the best....never moving down south again...ever. Not all that great with keeping in touch with family and friends like I should. Tend to put other people's needs over myself to the point where I don't always take care of myself (not buying new clothes, working too much, etc)

Now for the good stuff. Now I may be a dreamer, but it does have its good qualities too. It makes me a lot more creative and I think and reflect a lot. Gained a lot of weight due to stress and probably age so I'm really focusing on healthy eating. Lactose and gluten intolerant and very low on vitamin D. Stress and diet affect the body A LOT. Love to read, especially non-fiction books. First went to college for Psychology, but found you can't really get a good enough job to support yourself with just a Bachelor's so I am going for Nursing and then later will finish up something on the side like Psych or human services. Looking into doing some sort of charity work once I'm through with school. Passionate about human rights. I really do love to help other people and believe strongly in holistic healing. You have to heal the mind, body and soul for optimum health. Like hypnosis and meditation and therapeutic touch methods of healing. Becoming much more spiritual and not religious at all. People can be who they want to be, just I am who I am. I belong to the Phi Theta Kappa honor's society. I work full time and go to school at night. I'm really good with computers. Love vegetables. Love sci-fi/fantasy movies the best. Love music except for Jazz. Music really speaks to the soul and can express sometimes what you can't always put in words. Love animals, especially horses. I have 2 dogs and once I move into a house that I own one day I'll have a cat. I love growing things in a garden and feel connected to the plants. Looking into canning and other ways of preserving food for the year. Looking into archery, but even if I were to go hunting for my own food, I believe in thanking the animal and not doing it for sport. I love to go hiking in the woods. Love to write poetry. Dark chocolate is my weakness. Really big into dna and genetics and even had my spit analyzed and found out some pretty cool stuff. I'm also really into making my family tree and collecting all the info on them all. I think it is very important to know where your family came from and to know how they lived. I try to learn about all types of people and cultures...the differences and similarities fascinate me. I'm passionate about freedom of thought and exploration. Love art and unique things especially if they are tied into nature or have a rainbow shine to them. Love going to old car shows. Love the beach and the mountains....just nature in general. I love to learn and explore...I'll never stop learning and growing. Married to a good guy who treats me with respect and equally and allows me the freedom to be who I want to be and need to be. Overall I am pretty happy.

I love you both xoxo
Mom

Advice to Mohammed Abdelhaq

To my precious son,

Here is a field of flowers that I give you with love.

There are many things I wish to teach you about being a good person and I wish I could give more guidance as you grow, but I am restricted at this time. Firstly, I can not stress how important that it is that you know I love you and your sister with all my heart. Inta eyeyooni wa inta elbee wa inta habeebee. Ana bahabbeck kateer.

My advice to you as you grow...well...I have all sorts of advice and I have more advice to give as I learn myself...the years it would take to give it all to you...well...life will teach you what I can not.

I guess I'll have to stick to the highlights. This is the advice that I would not only give to you, but for all humankind. It is most important to be open minded. My wish for you is that you always stay objective, always be kind, patient, courteous, empathetic, loving, generous, compassionate, understanding, caring, happy, and all sorts of other adjectives that are good for you haha.

I remember you were one to hold on to anger. You kept your feelings inside and there is nothing wrong with you being the way you are because everyone has their own way of dealing with things and obstacles to overcome. The key is to have a healthy way of dealing with it all.
Forgive....forgive those who have hurt you...real or imagined...intended or unintended. Your anger serves no purpose and the internal anger ends up hurting you probably a lot more than them. (this is something we ALL need to work on...even me).

Love....this is a huge one. It encompasses many others...including forgiveness, compassion, etc. It is the ultimate feeling. Love....Approach everything with love...and everyone with love. Since you tend to be more introverted, use it to your advantage and observe. Here's what I want you to do. Pick something you don't like...lets pick flies. Who really likes flies anyways!!! haha but seriously...they do serve a purpose. They are nature's garbage disposals. Without them the world would really be gross. So...in a way...you can see their beauty and love them. Now take something else...take a person...you can take most people and find something beautiful about them and love them for it....but let's just say you can't see it. Let's just say they are the most demonic evil person ever created...you can still love them...you want to know how? Look at them this way...without them, we would not know what love or good or kind is. Let me explain. If you lived in a world where everyone and everything was peaceful and happy...you would never know what happiness is...do you know why? Because you have never experienced the opposite of it. You can not really know and appreciate what anything is until you have had the opposite. So take that person and give thanks to them and send them love...for they teach lessons. No one is perfect in seeing this all the time. It is human nature to react or be upset or disgusted or angry. The secret is to be able to turn this thought on when you can.

I don't know what is in your heart towards me. I don't know what you've been told. I don't even know whether you hate me or love me...I love you unconditionally anyways. What do I ask of you...I do ask you to love me...love me for the imperfect human that I am. You don't have to like me...those are 2 different emotions. And if you say you can't love me because you don't know me...that's ok too and I understand...one day when you're an adult you can get to know me. I don't know where I'll be living, but it isn't too hard to find people if you look in the right places. Right now I'm in school to be a registered nurse and making good grades ...hope you are too :-) Good grades means a chance to get into school to learn what you want to learn and enjoying what you're learning. It is important to have a career you enjoy. If you're anything like the men on my side of the family, they all like working with engines, electronics, math, science, etc. I think your dad went for interior design...which means artistic/creative. Maybe be an engineer who designs things :-). Many times personality traits pass on generation to generation.

And yes....I know this message may never reach your eyes, but for me it brings me peace to write. I love writing and if your eyes don't see this...maybe it will reach your soul somehow...or your dreams :-)

So for now.....go with LIGHT and LOVE in your heart my sweet boy.....I think of you both always and you're always in my heart.

 

Women and Rape

Rape is never a woman's fault for what they look like or how they are dressed. I don't care if she is wearing a bikini or even nothing at all. Consent has to be given...women are not objects. Covering more does not solve the problem...the problem is with the source of the person committing rape. There are many women out there who are covered head to toe..face, hands, feet...quite literally everything...and there is still rape that exists. The problem is not with the woman.

Somewhere Out There

Mohammed & Amina...I love you so much. Thinking of you and just think...we are all looking up at that same moon underneath the same sky...I'm here...you live in my heart always xoxoxoxoxoxo...and therefore never far away...

LYRICS: 
Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

Advice to Amina

My lovely little Amina...the one who dances through life like little butterflies happily flying in a field of flowers. May your free spirit never be crushed and may you always have strength throughout your days. Happy Birthday my love and my your days be filled with joy and happiness forever. Kisses and Hugs...you and your brother are always in my thoughts and prayers. Love always...Mom.

"Within every woman there is a wild and natural creature, a powerful force, filled with good instincts, passionate creativity, and ageless knowing. Her name is Wild Woman, but she is an endangered species. Though the gifts of the wildish nature come to us at birth, society's attempt to "civilize" us into rigid roles has plundered this treasure, and muffled the deep, life-giving messages of our own souls. Without Wild Woman, we become over-domesticated, fearful, uncreative, trapped." -Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Do not cringe and make yourself small if you are called the black sheep, the maverick, the lone wolf. Those with slow seeing say a nonconformist is a blight on society. 
But it has been proven over the centuries, that being different means standing at the edge, means one is practically guaranteed to make an original contribution, a useful and stunning contribution to her culture.
When seeking guidance, don't ever listen to the tiny-hearted. Be kind to them, heap them with blessings, cajole them, but do not follow their advice.
If you have ever been called defiant, incorrigible, forward, cunning, insurgent, unruly, rebellious, you're on the right track.
Wild Woman is close by.
If you have never been called these things, there is yet time. Practice your Wild Woman.
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes 

When the sweet ache of being alive,
lodged between who you are
and who you will be,
is awakened,
befriend this moment.
It will guide you.
Its sweetness is what holds you.
Its ache is what moves you on.
-Mark Nepo


Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. 
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For thir souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable.
~Kahlil Gibran


Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

"Brother," the second monk replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

Religion & Spirituality

There are many different schools of thought out there regarding religion. After all, who is correct when there are so many different religions? Our parents or society drills certain thoughts in our minds about what is right or wrong and if we stray from that view, then surely we are going to hell. But wait...how can one religion tell you you're going to hell for a certain action and yet another says you are going to heaven? Which is right? I think that what is most important is when one separates themselves from what everyone else tells them and sits quietly to themselves and questions what is right in their own mind. After all, it is your own individual self that has to live your own life...not anyone else's view of what you should be, do, or believe.....but....if you believe in doing something that is against society/family...there could be negative consequences. The choice is yours in the end...to live as a free spirit and make a decision on your own with the potential for arguments and others being unhappy with you, but at least your mind is free.
I think it is very important to listen to many different people's views and not hate them because they are different, but instead learn from them. After all, how can you know if you are right if you haven't even heard the different views to choose from with an open mind? I personally have found an awesome audio book series that I have found fits with my spiritual view of the world. The paper books exist, but I like to be able to listen to them on my way to work and school. My way may not be someone else's way, but that is ok...because it is what brings me peace and happiness...and it is me that has to live with me for the rest of my life :-)

I invite others to learn something new and listen to the audio books I have posted on here. It is a lot to listen to, but I just ask someone doesn't listen to 15 minutes of it and dismiss it. Listen to it for a while even if it doesn't fit your view because it is important to learn the views of others. Having an open and curious mind is a beautiful thing. It is a little complex to follow...I personally had to listen to it a couple of times and learn new things each time I hear it.

These are 3 books split in 3 parts of Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsh

Book 1, Part 1

Book 1, Part 2

Book 1, Part 3

Book 2

Book 3

Birthdays

Hi Mohammed & Amina,

I know you don't celebrate birthdays, but I do. I think of you always and even if I don't post it every time...happy birthday. It is a day to celebrate your life and even if you don't celebrate you being alive, I do. You both are probably growing up so fast and may you both have peace, love, and harmony wherever you are now and always and forever. The day each of you was born is a joyous day for me and I am grateful for having you in my memory. No matter how ill you think of me, I still see the light in you and I love you always. 

I hope you're doing well in school...I just got all A's this last semester so I'm happy. I think learning should always be a life long process. Hopefully learning makes a person grow to be a better person and not just the book type. You'll always be my babies and I love you dearly! And as a quick update on my life, all is well. I'm still married to Jeremiah. We have 2 dogs...one is a sheltie and the other is a german shepherd/chow mix. I work and then go to school at night. My goal is to eventually work at Yale after I graduate. I write poetry and love to read in my spare time. I've been studying energy healing like reiki. I love to go for walks in the woods or beach nearby. It's cold out now so not very pleasant to walk much outside in the snow! My family thinks of you too and they all love you too. 

             LOTS OF HUGS AND KISSES!!!!

Wild Flowers

As a child I grew like wild flowers with gardeners trying to place me in rows. The gardener never understood that this type of flower isn't meant to grow in a line, for it is wild and free. It grows where it wants to, flies where the wind carries it. There is nothing inherently "wrong" with the wild flower, for it is what it is. Just as there is nothing wrong with the flower that can be molded to grow in a straight line. We all exist for our own purposes. Some may see this wildness as not being stable, but they just don't know. For the weathered plant that has felt the wind tear her leaves, the sun that has burnt her petals, the rain storm that has flooded her roots and made her almost lose her footing is far stronger and stable than any indoor plant that has never experienced the world.
Now my children...my lucky children are a beautiful cross breed of different seed. They can never ever get rid of who they are, for the gardener may try to straighten them, but they are in part wild seed. They may have been given good potting soil inside, they may have been given pure water and trimmed down when they grew wild, but once that beautiful flower is placed outside it will go through a transformation. You can not change what it is. If you force it to change and keep cutting it down so it will not grow, then it will die. But also realize that when it goes outside on its own, it will not be weathered. It will not know how to live in the sun, it will go into shock. Over protecting is not healthy.
For if you let the little flowers grow and explore and find where they belong, they will naturally flourish in the environment where they feel at ease. If I were the gardener, I would place them outside and just be a guide, if they uproot from the water, re-plant them, if they start to get burned by the sun, give them shade, if the wind becomes too strong where they'd die, then protect them only from the hurricane, never the cool breeze. They are stronger than you think.
So...my past has made me who I am today. I have been through many battles, I have wronged others and been wronged...but most importantly, I HAVE LIVED and I AM LIVING. I would not take a moment away from any of my past. I grow...I learn...I evolve. There have been many people who have upbringings that they have no control over as a child. You can not choose these things...just have to make the best of it. Your identity is not made by your parents telling you are a certain thing. Your parents do not know what sings to your soul. If your soul says it should be a teacher and your parent says you should be a lawyer, then that parent is doing a great injustice to that soul. Let them go talk to a secretary, a doctor, a lawyer, a chef, a dancer, an artist...and let them choose who THEY want to be. For it is THEM that are living their lives, not you as the parent. The best person in my view is the one who guides another to find the answers on their own and make their own opinions.
Every day you can choose to CREATE who you want to be TODAY. If you want to be more peaceful, hateful, loving, caring, envious, greedy...anything at all...you CAN be that if you choose it.
There is again...nothing "wrong" with being different...with experiencing and being around those that are not like you.
You see, I am not fighting either way anymore where their upbringing is. For what I do know for sure is that one can not cage a person forever. So from 0-100% contact they have with me, it doesn't matter anymore. Sure, I'd love to be blessed with having some sort of relationship with them, but I am not looking to be greedy and keep them in a bubble. I want them to fly...I want them to see ALL the world...the good and the not so good...and I want them to make the decision for themselves what right and wrong is, not what I or any other influence says. I believe everyone should listen to their heart.
And as a side note, again, the darkness must exist with the light. The yin and the yang. How can you say you understand someone unless you have quite literally put on their shoes and viewed it from where they stand.
So my children can not choose their parents, but even if their parents were the most horrendous people in the whole world, they still should know who their parents are. Both of them. But I have the wisdom to understand that no matter what I do or say, to some people my advice will not get through and that's ok. It is my job to at least try to open their eyes...to lead them to the water...if they choose not to drink, that is up to them, but I open the door.
I am not who I was 20 years ago, 15 years, 10 years, 5 years, 3 years, or even 1 year ago. I am creating myself to be more and more beautiful in my soul every day and if anyone comes with their darkness to try to stunt my growth, I am learning to be a flower that emits its own sun light and yes....that is beautiful....

Mohammed Abdelhaq & Amina Abdelhaq

Ok, casting the first fishing line into the world wide web. Here goes the keywords so Google can pick up on it and hopefully my kids can find me one day.... Amina Abdelhaq, Mohammed Abdelhaq, Marwan Abdelhaq, Shavonne Abdelhaq, Shavonne Graham. 
My phone number is your birthday in format of MM/DD/YY (Example April 5, 2000 is 04/05/00 and will be #040500 or 40,500) and then add this number:
Mohammed: add 2039148528 (had the wrong # up here until 8/2015...oops)
Amina: add 2039220525

I do this so my phone number isn't floating all over publicly. I've tried to keep it the same since I lost contact with you. No rush in contacting me, you will do so when you're ready. I'll try to do things similar online so I can be found. I do update my information by sending it to your father's email address and mailing a letter to your last known residence. I don't always pick up my phone, so please do leave a message. If you're calling from a calling card, let me know when you'll try to call again so I can keep an eye out for it.  

Listen, apparently something went very horribly wrong. I don't know why you said I did such terrible things to you when I didn't. I forgive you. Whatever reason you had for inventing such things, well, it was your choice. You lost out on a mother who loves you with all her heart, but that is something you will have to live with. Granted you were both younger when accusations were made against me....but still. Some of it I felt was a cultural misunderstanding where you felt I was running around the house "naked". I understand in your father's culture I am naked by not wearing hijab. I am probably naked by wearing a bathing suit or shorts. So yes, there was much anger and I was hurt and sad for a long time at losing you. In time, I have learned to accept and forgive. I am banished from contacting you without going through the procedures of the court to prove my innocence. To do so, I will be charged criminally, will have to wait in jail or post bail, stay in the state while the case is being heard and the judge estimated the cost to be over $100,000. If it was easy to fight for you, I would...but I don't have that kind of money and the judge estimated the wait time in jail for a public defender to be about a year. I love you guys, but hey...I'm not about to go rot in jail for a crime I didn't commit. You'll come back to me one day...I know it. 

I can relate to you being a child coming from parents of differing views. I can understand how horrible it must feel to be torn between two very different cultures. Such resistance and confusion. I recommend reading about Severe Parental Alienation and you will find a LOT of what I went through. Understand...I NEVER EVER want you to HATE your father. Granted I feel there were many wrongs done to me by him, but that isn't your war. I also understand that even if he has done you wrong throughout your life, you will always love him...and I respect that. He is your father. I love family members of mine that have hurt me in many different ways...and I still love them. Sure, I may have guidelines and boundaries with certain ones, but I do not hate them. I may not agree with how you're being brought up and I don't agree with the religion you're being taught, but I acknowledge that you are half him AND half me. I do love many things about the Middle Eastern culture. I love their dancing and food. I love the music. I think the language sounds beautiful....but I don't agree with Islam. 

Even though I don't like to think this, it is almost better that you are brought up in one culture for now. It was very hard for you to transition from the American culture with music, dancing, swimming, males and females talking to one another, dogs, etc to then back to the very strict Muslim environment you are being raised under. You used to tell me every time I sent you back that you didn't want to go and you wanted to stay. It broke my heart, but I had to follow procedure. 

My wish for you: That you are given the free will to explore ALL types of faith..even if it is one that you create for yourself. That you are guided, NOT forced. I invite you to live with me when you're older so I can show you the world in all it's good and bad and let YOU make a decision for yourself. You may change 1,000 times your belief, but that is ok, because you have to find what fits you. You have to make that decision to what speaks to your heart. If you find this blog when you're younger, I invite you to read the different posts I put on here. I do forget to go post at times, but I'm around. If you do decide to write me on here as a hidden person with a fake name, understand I will be cautious of your identity because I had "someone" attack me online after I lost you saying they were someone else. I was able to trace their computer back to the town you were living in (yes, I can do that), but I couldn't pinpoint the house. Even if I could, I can't see who is behind the computer to stop the harassment. So I invite you one day to use Skype or a similar camera thing even if it's once under a fake name. So here's what I'm saying...I am here. No, I can't just go and see you because of the legal block. You'd have to go admit to your father what was done and he'd have to release me and you'd probably have to go to a doctor to explain what happened and why you're releasing me. Or you can always tell your school counselor or therapist if you're seeing one. It is their duty to protect your welfare. You can see me when you're 18 or if you become an emancipated minor. If you are reading this when you're younger and don't understand...that's ok. Just read it in a few years and maybe you'll understand at that time. 

Just remember...you are half of me too. My half has Irish, German, French, English, and Italian. Also could be some Belgian and Iroquois Indian, but from recent research that last part is still debatable.... If you wish to see me, look at yourself. Try looking up the personality type of the INFJ (it is a Myers-Briggs type) and you'll be able to understand me more used to be more of an ENFP, but as I grow older, I've become more introverted and more organized and responsile. http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

So....as I sat and reflected upon you as I try to do..something came to me, a realization....that the reason for this all happening was to learn to love you unconditionally. I try to speak to you through meditation. Telepathy runs through my side of the family...no usually it doesn't sound like the other person taking to me, but instead sounds like my thoughts or a feeling that comes to me. It isn't like a phone call. If you inherited gifts to see the "unseen" or have things happen to you that are not quite normal....you are not alone. I used to have lots of "ghosts" and things of that nature when I was growing up, but I shut if off and Islam taught me to fear it saying it was the jinn. I have opened the door again and am not fearing it anymore. I am trying to train myself to have less fear in general. What you "hear/see" isn't "evil". My father and his father could see auras around people (colored energy around people...no, not from a migraine headache as you'll read online). Some of the women that were much older like my great grandmother and her mother could take a map and pin point a lost dog or tell you where your keys are. I am learning to embrace this gift and open the door that I had closed out of fear. Everything on this earth is energy and if you are "sensitive", you'll pick up on the more subtle energy that most people ignore. Check out things like Reiki or therapeutic touch and it will explain better. Plus there are some cool things to check out related to quantum physics.  

So I've been "praying" for you...not in the way you know, but in my own way. I try my best to send you light and love. I send healing and peaceful thoughts your way. I always ask for the veils over your eyes to be removed and for you to be able to see many different views without judging or hating....just accepting. You do not have to follow a path that doesn't resonate with you, but you do have to acknowledge its existence and accept that it is ok. Here is something I posted on Facebook (I have a private account, so you probably can't find me there):
"Thought for the day: Many of us want a better world to live in and want world peace. I think we can all agree that there are opposing views that do not resonate with us in the world. You see, when you cause "war" (even verbally) against the opposing view, you're only causing more resistance, not creating peace. Instead turn your focus to that which you love about your view AND try to find things you love about theirs. For same-ness should NOT be the goal of the world...loving and accepting each other for our differences and co-existing should be. There is nothing wrong with an opposing view, for it exists so you can form an opinion of what you DO want. We NEED the darkness with the light. Acknowledge its existence and go in love. Let's start practicing on those close to us...make peace with them...fix our relationships at all levels ideally, but why not start local first. :-) I love you all ....even if we have different views (((hugs)))"

I LOVE YOU AMINA ABDELHAQ

I LOVE YOU MOHAMMED ABDELHAQ

....ALWAYS..... XOXOXO (((HUGS)))

This was a card I mailed to you earlier this year. Unsure if you received it. Go in peace. I know you love me. I do not doubt it...even though you did give me hate letters....I know you love me and I love you back. You will be ok, I have faith in you. BE love. BE peace.

Honesty in Our Friendships

How many times have we never said anything out of politeness. Sometimes in others we can see something so glaringly out of whack, yet we don't say anything. Most people do not realize that they even have something "wrong" or are doing anything "offensive" to the majority of people. I'd rather have a friend say to me, Hey Siobhan, you tend to do/say/believe in "x" which tends to make me and other people feel uncomfortable. At that point at least I am aware of the "offense" and can CHOOSE to change it or not. I don't know why people don't try to attempt to help others. For example, twice I've had two friends that really had very very bad body odor, but no one would mention to the person that they might need to try to do a little extra work regarding hygiene. People just spoke badly about that person behind their back and what good does that really do...it doesn't solve anything. So of course I pulled them aside quietly and had a little chat with them. What they decide to do after that is their own choice, but sometimes people don't see that there is an issue until someone points it out. So it gets me to my point...I know of a person that needs this little chat. Granted I haven't heard spoken bad words, but I do see the body language of some of the other people. This person really doesn't know that they need some minor tweaking and although I don't know this person well, probably one day I might have to have a little sit down chat with this person. I mean the only other option I can think of is to not be around them as much and I can see they would feel badly because they wouldn't have known what went wrong.