My phone number is your birthday in format of MM/DD/YY (Example April 5, 2000 is 04/05/00 and will be #040500 or 40,500) and then add this number:
Mohammed: add 2039148528 (had the wrong # up here until 8/2015...oops)
Amina: add 2039220525
I do this so my phone number isn't floating all over publicly. I've tried to keep it the same since I lost contact with you. No rush in contacting me, you will do so when you're ready. I'll try to do things similar online so I can be found. I do update my information by sending it to your father's email address and mailing a letter to your last known residence. I don't always pick up my phone, so please do leave a message. If you're calling from a calling card, let me know when you'll try to call again so I can keep an eye out for it.
Listen, apparently something went very horribly wrong. I don't know why you said I did such terrible things to you when I didn't. I forgive you. Whatever reason you had for inventing such things, well, it was your choice. You lost out on a mother who loves you with all her heart, but that is something you will have to live with. Granted you were both younger when accusations were made against me....but still. Some of it I felt was a cultural misunderstanding where you felt I was running around the house "naked". I understand in your father's culture I am naked by not wearing hijab. I am probably naked by wearing a bathing suit or shorts. So yes, there was much anger and I was hurt and sad for a long time at losing you. In time, I have learned to accept and forgive. I am banished from contacting you without going through the procedures of the court to prove my innocence. To do so, I will be charged criminally, will have to wait in jail or post bail, stay in the state while the case is being heard and the judge estimated the cost to be over $100,000. If it was easy to fight for you, I would...but I don't have that kind of money and the judge estimated the wait time in jail for a public defender to be about a year. I love you guys, but hey...I'm not about to go rot in jail for a crime I didn't commit. You'll come back to me one day...I know it.
I can relate to you being a child coming from parents of differing views. I can understand how horrible it must feel to be torn between two very different cultures. Such resistance and confusion. I recommend reading about Severe Parental Alienation and you will find a LOT of what I went through. Understand...I NEVER EVER want you to HATE your father. Granted I feel there were many wrongs done to me by him, but that isn't your war. I also understand that even if he has done you wrong throughout your life, you will always love him...and I respect that. He is your father. I love family members of mine that have hurt me in many different ways...and I still love them. Sure, I may have guidelines and boundaries with certain ones, but I do not hate them. I may not agree with how you're being brought up and I don't agree with the religion you're being taught, but I acknowledge that you are half him AND half me. I do love many things about the Middle Eastern culture. I love their dancing and food. I love the music. I think the language sounds beautiful....but I don't agree with Islam.
Even though I don't like to think this, it is almost better that you are brought up in one culture for now. It was very hard for you to transition from the American culture with music, dancing, swimming, males and females talking to one another, dogs, etc to then back to the very strict Muslim environment you are being raised under. You used to tell me every time I sent you back that you didn't want to go and you wanted to stay. It broke my heart, but I had to follow procedure.
My wish for you: That you are given the free will to explore ALL types of faith..even if it is one that you create for yourself. That you are guided, NOT forced. I invite you to live with me when you're older so I can show you the world in all it's good and bad and let YOU make a decision for yourself. You may change 1,000 times your belief, but that is ok, because you have to find what fits you. You have to make that decision to what speaks to your heart. If you find this blog when you're younger, I invite you to read the different posts I put on here. I do forget to go post at times, but I'm around. If you do decide to write me on here as a hidden person with a fake name, understand I will be cautious of your identity because I had "someone" attack me online after I lost you saying they were someone else. I was able to trace their computer back to the town you were living in (yes, I can do that), but I couldn't pinpoint the house. Even if I could, I can't see who is behind the computer to stop the harassment. So I invite you one day to use Skype or a similar camera thing even if it's once under a fake name. So here's what I'm saying...I am here. No, I can't just go and see you because of the legal block. You'd have to go admit to your father what was done and he'd have to release me and you'd probably have to go to a doctor to explain what happened and why you're releasing me. Or you can always tell your school counselor or therapist if you're seeing one. It is their duty to protect your welfare. You can see me when you're 18 or if you become an emancipated minor. If you are reading this when you're younger and don't understand...that's ok. Just read it in a few years and maybe you'll understand at that time.
Just remember...you are half of me too. My half has Irish, German, French, English, and Italian. Also could be some Belgian and Iroquois Indian, but from recent research that last part is still debatable.... If you wish to see me, look at yourself. Try looking up the personality type of the INFJ (it is a Myers-Briggs type) and you'll be able to understand me more used to be more of an ENFP, but as I grow older, I've become more introverted and more organized and responsile. http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html
So....as I sat and reflected upon you as I try to do..something came to me, a realization....that the reason for this all happening was to learn to love you unconditionally. I try to speak to you through meditation. Telepathy runs through my side of the family...no usually it doesn't sound like the other person taking to me, but instead sounds like my thoughts or a feeling that comes to me. It isn't like a phone call. If you inherited gifts to see the "unseen" or have things happen to you that are not quite normal....you are not alone. I used to have lots of "ghosts" and things of that nature when I was growing up, but I shut if off and Islam taught me to fear it saying it was the jinn. I have opened the door again and am not fearing it anymore. I am trying to train myself to have less fear in general. What you "hear/see" isn't "evil". My father and his father could see auras around people (colored energy around people...no, not from a migraine headache as you'll read online). Some of the women that were much older like my great grandmother and her mother could take a map and pin point a lost dog or tell you where your keys are. I am learning to embrace this gift and open the door that I had closed out of fear. Everything on this earth is energy and if you are "sensitive", you'll pick up on the more subtle energy that most people ignore. Check out things like Reiki or therapeutic touch and it will explain better. Plus there are some cool things to check out related to quantum physics.
So I've been "praying" for you...not in the way you know, but in my own way. I try my best to send you light and love. I send healing and peaceful thoughts your way. I always ask for the veils over your eyes to be removed and for you to be able to see many different views without judging or hating....just accepting. You do not have to follow a path that doesn't resonate with you, but you do have to acknowledge its existence and accept that it is ok. Here is something I posted on Facebook (I have a private account, so you probably can't find me there):
"Thought for the day: Many of us want a better world to live in and want world peace. I think we can all agree that there are opposing views that do not resonate with us in the world. You see, when you cause "war" (even verbally) against the opposing view, you're only causing more resistance, not creating peace. Instead turn your focus to that which you love about your view AND try to find things you love about theirs. For same-ness should NOT be the goal of the world...loving and accepting each other for our differences and co-existing should be. There is nothing wrong with an opposing view, for it exists so you can form an opinion of what you DO want. We NEED the darkness with the light. Acknowledge its existence and go in love. Let's start practicing on those close to us...make peace with them...fix our relationships at all levels ideally, but why not start local first. :-) I love you all ....even if we have different views (((hugs)))"
I LOVE YOU AMINA ABDELHAQ
I LOVE YOU MOHAMMED ABDELHAQ
....ALWAYS..... XOXOXO (((HUGS)))
This was a card I mailed to you earlier this year. Unsure if you received it. Go in peace. I know you love me. I do not doubt it...even though you did give me hate letters....I know you love me and I love you back. You will be ok, I have faith in you. BE love. BE peace.
