Birthdays

Hi Mohammed & Amina,

I know you don't celebrate birthdays, but I do. I think of you always and even if I don't post it every time...happy birthday. It is a day to celebrate your life and even if you don't celebrate you being alive, I do. You both are probably growing up so fast and may you both have peace, love, and harmony wherever you are now and always and forever. The day each of you was born is a joyous day for me and I am grateful for having you in my memory. No matter how ill you think of me, I still see the light in you and I love you always. 

I hope you're doing well in school...I just got all A's this last semester so I'm happy. I think learning should always be a life long process. Hopefully learning makes a person grow to be a better person and not just the book type. You'll always be my babies and I love you dearly! And as a quick update on my life, all is well. I'm still married to Jeremiah. We have 2 dogs...one is a sheltie and the other is a german shepherd/chow mix. I work and then go to school at night. My goal is to eventually work at Yale after I graduate. I write poetry and love to read in my spare time. I've been studying energy healing like reiki. I love to go for walks in the woods or beach nearby. It's cold out now so not very pleasant to walk much outside in the snow! My family thinks of you too and they all love you too. 

             LOTS OF HUGS AND KISSES!!!!

Wild Flowers

As a child I grew like wild flowers with gardeners trying to place me in rows. The gardener never understood that this type of flower isn't meant to grow in a line, for it is wild and free. It grows where it wants to, flies where the wind carries it. There is nothing inherently "wrong" with the wild flower, for it is what it is. Just as there is nothing wrong with the flower that can be molded to grow in a straight line. We all exist for our own purposes. Some may see this wildness as not being stable, but they just don't know. For the weathered plant that has felt the wind tear her leaves, the sun that has burnt her petals, the rain storm that has flooded her roots and made her almost lose her footing is far stronger and stable than any indoor plant that has never experienced the world.
Now my children...my lucky children are a beautiful cross breed of different seed. They can never ever get rid of who they are, for the gardener may try to straighten them, but they are in part wild seed. They may have been given good potting soil inside, they may have been given pure water and trimmed down when they grew wild, but once that beautiful flower is placed outside it will go through a transformation. You can not change what it is. If you force it to change and keep cutting it down so it will not grow, then it will die. But also realize that when it goes outside on its own, it will not be weathered. It will not know how to live in the sun, it will go into shock. Over protecting is not healthy.
For if you let the little flowers grow and explore and find where they belong, they will naturally flourish in the environment where they feel at ease. If I were the gardener, I would place them outside and just be a guide, if they uproot from the water, re-plant them, if they start to get burned by the sun, give them shade, if the wind becomes too strong where they'd die, then protect them only from the hurricane, never the cool breeze. They are stronger than you think.
So...my past has made me who I am today. I have been through many battles, I have wronged others and been wronged...but most importantly, I HAVE LIVED and I AM LIVING. I would not take a moment away from any of my past. I grow...I learn...I evolve. There have been many people who have upbringings that they have no control over as a child. You can not choose these things...just have to make the best of it. Your identity is not made by your parents telling you are a certain thing. Your parents do not know what sings to your soul. If your soul says it should be a teacher and your parent says you should be a lawyer, then that parent is doing a great injustice to that soul. Let them go talk to a secretary, a doctor, a lawyer, a chef, a dancer, an artist...and let them choose who THEY want to be. For it is THEM that are living their lives, not you as the parent. The best person in my view is the one who guides another to find the answers on their own and make their own opinions.
Every day you can choose to CREATE who you want to be TODAY. If you want to be more peaceful, hateful, loving, caring, envious, greedy...anything at all...you CAN be that if you choose it.
There is again...nothing "wrong" with being different...with experiencing and being around those that are not like you.
You see, I am not fighting either way anymore where their upbringing is. For what I do know for sure is that one can not cage a person forever. So from 0-100% contact they have with me, it doesn't matter anymore. Sure, I'd love to be blessed with having some sort of relationship with them, but I am not looking to be greedy and keep them in a bubble. I want them to fly...I want them to see ALL the world...the good and the not so good...and I want them to make the decision for themselves what right and wrong is, not what I or any other influence says. I believe everyone should listen to their heart.
And as a side note, again, the darkness must exist with the light. The yin and the yang. How can you say you understand someone unless you have quite literally put on their shoes and viewed it from where they stand.
So my children can not choose their parents, but even if their parents were the most horrendous people in the whole world, they still should know who their parents are. Both of them. But I have the wisdom to understand that no matter what I do or say, to some people my advice will not get through and that's ok. It is my job to at least try to open their eyes...to lead them to the water...if they choose not to drink, that is up to them, but I open the door.
I am not who I was 20 years ago, 15 years, 10 years, 5 years, 3 years, or even 1 year ago. I am creating myself to be more and more beautiful in my soul every day and if anyone comes with their darkness to try to stunt my growth, I am learning to be a flower that emits its own sun light and yes....that is beautiful....

Mohammed Abdelhaq & Amina Abdelhaq

Ok, casting the first fishing line into the world wide web. Here goes the keywords so Google can pick up on it and hopefully my kids can find me one day.... Amina Abdelhaq, Mohammed Abdelhaq, Marwan Abdelhaq, Shavonne Abdelhaq, Shavonne Graham. 
My phone number is your birthday in format of MM/DD/YY (Example April 5, 2000 is 04/05/00 and will be #040500 or 40,500) and then add this number:
Mohammed: add 2039148528 (had the wrong # up here until 8/2015...oops)
Amina: add 2039220525

I do this so my phone number isn't floating all over publicly. I've tried to keep it the same since I lost contact with you. No rush in contacting me, you will do so when you're ready. I'll try to do things similar online so I can be found. I do update my information by sending it to your father's email address and mailing a letter to your last known residence. I don't always pick up my phone, so please do leave a message. If you're calling from a calling card, let me know when you'll try to call again so I can keep an eye out for it.  

Listen, apparently something went very horribly wrong. I don't know why you said I did such terrible things to you when I didn't. I forgive you. Whatever reason you had for inventing such things, well, it was your choice. You lost out on a mother who loves you with all her heart, but that is something you will have to live with. Granted you were both younger when accusations were made against me....but still. Some of it I felt was a cultural misunderstanding where you felt I was running around the house "naked". I understand in your father's culture I am naked by not wearing hijab. I am probably naked by wearing a bathing suit or shorts. So yes, there was much anger and I was hurt and sad for a long time at losing you. In time, I have learned to accept and forgive. I am banished from contacting you without going through the procedures of the court to prove my innocence. To do so, I will be charged criminally, will have to wait in jail or post bail, stay in the state while the case is being heard and the judge estimated the cost to be over $100,000. If it was easy to fight for you, I would...but I don't have that kind of money and the judge estimated the wait time in jail for a public defender to be about a year. I love you guys, but hey...I'm not about to go rot in jail for a crime I didn't commit. You'll come back to me one day...I know it. 

I can relate to you being a child coming from parents of differing views. I can understand how horrible it must feel to be torn between two very different cultures. Such resistance and confusion. I recommend reading about Severe Parental Alienation and you will find a LOT of what I went through. Understand...I NEVER EVER want you to HATE your father. Granted I feel there were many wrongs done to me by him, but that isn't your war. I also understand that even if he has done you wrong throughout your life, you will always love him...and I respect that. He is your father. I love family members of mine that have hurt me in many different ways...and I still love them. Sure, I may have guidelines and boundaries with certain ones, but I do not hate them. I may not agree with how you're being brought up and I don't agree with the religion you're being taught, but I acknowledge that you are half him AND half me. I do love many things about the Middle Eastern culture. I love their dancing and food. I love the music. I think the language sounds beautiful....but I don't agree with Islam. 

Even though I don't like to think this, it is almost better that you are brought up in one culture for now. It was very hard for you to transition from the American culture with music, dancing, swimming, males and females talking to one another, dogs, etc to then back to the very strict Muslim environment you are being raised under. You used to tell me every time I sent you back that you didn't want to go and you wanted to stay. It broke my heart, but I had to follow procedure. 

My wish for you: That you are given the free will to explore ALL types of faith..even if it is one that you create for yourself. That you are guided, NOT forced. I invite you to live with me when you're older so I can show you the world in all it's good and bad and let YOU make a decision for yourself. You may change 1,000 times your belief, but that is ok, because you have to find what fits you. You have to make that decision to what speaks to your heart. If you find this blog when you're younger, I invite you to read the different posts I put on here. I do forget to go post at times, but I'm around. If you do decide to write me on here as a hidden person with a fake name, understand I will be cautious of your identity because I had "someone" attack me online after I lost you saying they were someone else. I was able to trace their computer back to the town you were living in (yes, I can do that), but I couldn't pinpoint the house. Even if I could, I can't see who is behind the computer to stop the harassment. So I invite you one day to use Skype or a similar camera thing even if it's once under a fake name. So here's what I'm saying...I am here. No, I can't just go and see you because of the legal block. You'd have to go admit to your father what was done and he'd have to release me and you'd probably have to go to a doctor to explain what happened and why you're releasing me. Or you can always tell your school counselor or therapist if you're seeing one. It is their duty to protect your welfare. You can see me when you're 18 or if you become an emancipated minor. If you are reading this when you're younger and don't understand...that's ok. Just read it in a few years and maybe you'll understand at that time. 

Just remember...you are half of me too. My half has Irish, German, French, English, and Italian. Also could be some Belgian and Iroquois Indian, but from recent research that last part is still debatable.... If you wish to see me, look at yourself. Try looking up the personality type of the INFJ (it is a Myers-Briggs type) and you'll be able to understand me more used to be more of an ENFP, but as I grow older, I've become more introverted and more organized and responsile. http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

So....as I sat and reflected upon you as I try to do..something came to me, a realization....that the reason for this all happening was to learn to love you unconditionally. I try to speak to you through meditation. Telepathy runs through my side of the family...no usually it doesn't sound like the other person taking to me, but instead sounds like my thoughts or a feeling that comes to me. It isn't like a phone call. If you inherited gifts to see the "unseen" or have things happen to you that are not quite normal....you are not alone. I used to have lots of "ghosts" and things of that nature when I was growing up, but I shut if off and Islam taught me to fear it saying it was the jinn. I have opened the door again and am not fearing it anymore. I am trying to train myself to have less fear in general. What you "hear/see" isn't "evil". My father and his father could see auras around people (colored energy around people...no, not from a migraine headache as you'll read online). Some of the women that were much older like my great grandmother and her mother could take a map and pin point a lost dog or tell you where your keys are. I am learning to embrace this gift and open the door that I had closed out of fear. Everything on this earth is energy and if you are "sensitive", you'll pick up on the more subtle energy that most people ignore. Check out things like Reiki or therapeutic touch and it will explain better. Plus there are some cool things to check out related to quantum physics.  

So I've been "praying" for you...not in the way you know, but in my own way. I try my best to send you light and love. I send healing and peaceful thoughts your way. I always ask for the veils over your eyes to be removed and for you to be able to see many different views without judging or hating....just accepting. You do not have to follow a path that doesn't resonate with you, but you do have to acknowledge its existence and accept that it is ok. Here is something I posted on Facebook (I have a private account, so you probably can't find me there):
"Thought for the day: Many of us want a better world to live in and want world peace. I think we can all agree that there are opposing views that do not resonate with us in the world. You see, when you cause "war" (even verbally) against the opposing view, you're only causing more resistance, not creating peace. Instead turn your focus to that which you love about your view AND try to find things you love about theirs. For same-ness should NOT be the goal of the world...loving and accepting each other for our differences and co-existing should be. There is nothing wrong with an opposing view, for it exists so you can form an opinion of what you DO want. We NEED the darkness with the light. Acknowledge its existence and go in love. Let's start practicing on those close to us...make peace with them...fix our relationships at all levels ideally, but why not start local first. :-) I love you all ....even if we have different views (((hugs)))"

I LOVE YOU AMINA ABDELHAQ

I LOVE YOU MOHAMMED ABDELHAQ

....ALWAYS..... XOXOXO (((HUGS)))

This was a card I mailed to you earlier this year. Unsure if you received it. Go in peace. I know you love me. I do not doubt it...even though you did give me hate letters....I know you love me and I love you back. You will be ok, I have faith in you. BE love. BE peace.

Honesty in Our Friendships

How many times have we never said anything out of politeness. Sometimes in others we can see something so glaringly out of whack, yet we don't say anything. Most people do not realize that they even have something "wrong" or are doing anything "offensive" to the majority of people. I'd rather have a friend say to me, Hey Siobhan, you tend to do/say/believe in "x" which tends to make me and other people feel uncomfortable. At that point at least I am aware of the "offense" and can CHOOSE to change it or not. I don't know why people don't try to attempt to help others. For example, twice I've had two friends that really had very very bad body odor, but no one would mention to the person that they might need to try to do a little extra work regarding hygiene. People just spoke badly about that person behind their back and what good does that really do...it doesn't solve anything. So of course I pulled them aside quietly and had a little chat with them. What they decide to do after that is their own choice, but sometimes people don't see that there is an issue until someone points it out. So it gets me to my point...I know of a person that needs this little chat. Granted I haven't heard spoken bad words, but I do see the body language of some of the other people. This person really doesn't know that they need some minor tweaking and although I don't know this person well, probably one day I might have to have a little sit down chat with this person. I mean the only other option I can think of is to not be around them as much and I can see they would feel badly because they wouldn't have known what went wrong.

Shooting For the Stars

Yes, shoot for the stars. Why not? Granted part of me is sitting here, saying, come now, be realistic...or don't ask for that because you might get a big head, but I answered myself back and said nope...you're wrong. Ask for the biggest grandest thing you can think of AND also ask for the ability to handle it in a responsible and level headed manner. The other day I said to the whatever is out there listening to me, hey, you guys out there, sure I may not know all the "rules" to this healing stuff, but hey, ya kinda wanna step in here and help me out a bit? How about removing some of those veils that are over my eyes. Yeah, I know I shut the door to it when I was a kid, but 2 months ago I decided to crack open the door to see if it was safe again and I feel it is. I do lack,oh what do you call it, self esteem or the ability to think that I can do something at times. I am really working on the I CAN, sure I slip, but I'm working on it being a large part of my reality. So yeah, tonight on my ride home from dropping off my step kids I said to the universe, God, spirit guides and yes I said them all, I was saying HEY, you know who you are and you know who is supposed to listen to this, so come and listen to me for a bit...here is what I want. I'm just going to shoot for the stars, why not. I can always undo it if I find this is a path I shouldn't be taking. One of my greatest goals in life was to help people. For many years I really really didn't understand how. I've tried looking at so many different avenues to help, but I just threw out a whopper. I said tonight that I want to help the world. I want to help heal the world. Why not...why make it local...why not ask for the largest thing I could think of. lol granted yeah omg that might be a wee bit scary taking on the world, but I also asked for the ability to handle it responsibly and level headed. For these great masters that have existed in our world that we know of...they ARE human...we glorify them and think that we will NEVER be able to attain to such a high level...HA! For one thing that I DO remember in Catholic high school (yuck) was that many of these PEOPLE were over 30 when they really started to make a difference. Granted I can't remember if it was 35 or 40, but still...most weren't born being enlightened. So yeah, I am a woman, I have many scandals in my past that could probably be dragged out to drag me through the mud...lol...sure, but why not be that beacon of light that can shine to the horizon. And what if there were a bunch of them all at once...wow...that would be a glorious beautiful sight to see. Last summer/fall I kept wanting to get into politics to make the world right. Granted my past activism was sometimes in anger...and I should probably have approached it in a different way. So I've taken a step back to look from the outside and tried to find myself through a career counselor. I was lacking spirituality too. I'd have my "moments" where I could get into such a strong state spiritually that boy I don't think drugs can do this to me (never did hard drugs to find out), but it would go away the next day. When I realized I was having more valleys than mountain tops, I realized I needed to work on my spiritual side. I've known about the "tools" of dowsing, a bit of wicca, energy healing, but never enough to practice it well. I've watched a few documentaries on quantum physics and can follow many conversations, but really really I'm an infant walking into all of this. I'm just learning how to walk for goodness sakes. Today I learned that meditation can be while your moving and awake...something so basic that I was not aware of. So most of my practice in spirituality is just going by my gut on what I feel is right or taking little tidbits of what I heard and making it into what works for me. hahaha it's like being a pioneer...the first one to discover it...for didn't all the people of old have to be pioneers in their own way? They had to invent what worked for them and they taught it to others. So sure, yeah, I do want to learn from others what they know and some pointers on how to get to certain goals, but I'm really starting to feel "*uck you" to the world and all of its certificates and papers saying I know how to do something! I prefer classes by donation if there were a "charge". I do prefer the barter system. For gosh darn it I just can't afford the $200+ to take a class on a certain topic...sure $20 maybe once a week or bi-weekly sure, but man oh man...just to learn something now a days. Granted if I had lots more to spend I'd spend it, but honestly, I'd rather slip my teacher a blank envelope in their mail box with what I feel comfortable with, be it a gift card or money or whatever...I'd find a way to return the good deed in one form or another. Oh yeah, which brings to mind churches...I saw one church where the donation box was at the door...you got an envelope and put in what you could and dropped it in the box. More private and comfortable. Granted start up or small churches might need to be a little more aggressive in asking, sure, but in time I think that is a gentler approach and the minister just reminding people of where it is during service. Phew did I get off topic...lots to say tonight on my first blog :) So yeah, I asked for the biggest thing out there. Why not attempt to do the greatest good while your here this round. Why not just go for it...live life to your greatest potential and your souls highest good. 

Introduction and Intentions

Well, I got the idea from one of my friends who has a blog to write my own thoughts down on paper...so to speak. I know that writing helps me enormously and figured that maybe I'll give it a try. So yeah, this is my journey. There will probably be a lot of change as I continue to write. Probably will end up contradicting myself, but that is ok...it is all a learning experience. I intend to write out some poetry, get feedback from others to get a stimulating discussion...and if not, well, then it is for me to listen to the voice within. :)