Imagine

Who I Am

Hi Mohammed and Amina,

I bet you often wonder and often ask yourselves...who is my mom? What is she like? What has she been doing all these years? Well...today you are in luck.

Who I am...well...this is not as easy as it sounds and you'll see why I say this as you get older. I still ask myself this question all the time...and guess what...it is normal and acceptable to do so...and even encouraged! Get ready to sit and read for a while and yes, this is only the highlights.

My past is my past and although I have made mistakes and done some really stupid things (who hasn't)...I actually don't regret one moment of it. Why is because it has made me stronger and made me who I am today. So most people like to talk about only the good things and paint all rainbows and sunshine, but I'm going to give you both as I am TODAY....not yesterday...not 10 years ago....today....

I'll say as a disclaimer for all that you're about to read...I AM HUMAN!
So for my not so great "human" and "normal" qualities that I work on all the time....and things I don't like. I get angry sometimes. I get upset sometimes. I get impatient sometimes. I am probably too much of a work-a-holic. I lose focus and daydream more than I probably should. I strive for perfection in myself and others and sometimes have to tell myself that this is who they are and leave it be. Probably am considered ADD. I thankfully don't get depressed much or deal with PTSD anymore because I've become more spiritually aware and when I do slip and have a "sad day" it usually isn't more than a few hours and then I'm ok again. I'm not great with balance anymore. Have a fear of heights unless I am harnessed to something secure. Totally do not like bugs! Over the years I have become more of an INFJ personality type. I used to be more of an ENFP, but I've calmed down and observe more. I definitely need my alone time once and a while to recharge. Also now that I'm older and become more responsible...that "P" personality kinda is starting to bug me now that I'm planning my life more and where I want to go. Yeah, totally not a fan of my life hitting bumps in the road and setting my goal off course. Not all that great with telling jokes. Anything in math higher than Pre-Calculus scares me. Chemistry was a challenge too. Can't dance all that well. Sometimes walk into the edge of walls/doors lol because yes...I was distracted and daydreaming again. Really not a fan of getting dirty through actual dirt or germs. Can't stand closed minded people. Will not tolerate abusive people. Can't stand fat on meat. Not a fan of a lot of seafood. Not the greatest with organization, but I can usually follow what someone has created. Anything over 70 degrees outside has become too hot, like the 60's the best....never moving down south again...ever. Not all that great with keeping in touch with family and friends like I should. Tend to put other people's needs over myself to the point where I don't always take care of myself (not buying new clothes, working too much, etc)

Now for the good stuff. Now I may be a dreamer, but it does have its good qualities too. It makes me a lot more creative and I think and reflect a lot. Gained a lot of weight due to stress and probably age so I'm really focusing on healthy eating. Lactose and gluten intolerant and very low on vitamin D. Stress and diet affect the body A LOT. Love to read, especially non-fiction books. First went to college for Psychology, but found you can't really get a good enough job to support yourself with just a Bachelor's so I am going for Nursing and then later will finish up something on the side like Psych or human services. Looking into doing some sort of charity work once I'm through with school. Passionate about human rights. I really do love to help other people and believe strongly in holistic healing. You have to heal the mind, body and soul for optimum health. Like hypnosis and meditation and therapeutic touch methods of healing. Becoming much more spiritual and not religious at all. People can be who they want to be, just I am who I am. I belong to the Phi Theta Kappa honor's society. I work full time and go to school at night. I'm really good with computers. Love vegetables. Love sci-fi/fantasy movies the best. Love music except for Jazz. Music really speaks to the soul and can express sometimes what you can't always put in words. Love animals, especially horses. I have 2 dogs and once I move into a house that I own one day I'll have a cat. I love growing things in a garden and feel connected to the plants. Looking into canning and other ways of preserving food for the year. Looking into archery, but even if I were to go hunting for my own food, I believe in thanking the animal and not doing it for sport. I love to go hiking in the woods. Love to write poetry. Dark chocolate is my weakness. Really big into dna and genetics and even had my spit analyzed and found out some pretty cool stuff. I'm also really into making my family tree and collecting all the info on them all. I think it is very important to know where your family came from and to know how they lived. I try to learn about all types of people and cultures...the differences and similarities fascinate me. I'm passionate about freedom of thought and exploration. Love art and unique things especially if they are tied into nature or have a rainbow shine to them. Love going to old car shows. Love the beach and the mountains....just nature in general. I love to learn and explore...I'll never stop learning and growing. Married to a good guy who treats me with respect and equally and allows me the freedom to be who I want to be and need to be. Overall I am pretty happy.

I love you both xoxo
Mom

Advice to Mohammed Abdelhaq

To my precious son,

Here is a field of flowers that I give you with love.

There are many things I wish to teach you about being a good person and I wish I could give more guidance as you grow, but I am restricted at this time. Firstly, I can not stress how important that it is that you know I love you and your sister with all my heart. Inta eyeyooni wa inta elbee wa inta habeebee. Ana bahabbeck kateer.

My advice to you as you grow...well...I have all sorts of advice and I have more advice to give as I learn myself...the years it would take to give it all to you...well...life will teach you what I can not.

I guess I'll have to stick to the highlights. This is the advice that I would not only give to you, but for all humankind. It is most important to be open minded. My wish for you is that you always stay objective, always be kind, patient, courteous, empathetic, loving, generous, compassionate, understanding, caring, happy, and all sorts of other adjectives that are good for you haha.

I remember you were one to hold on to anger. You kept your feelings inside and there is nothing wrong with you being the way you are because everyone has their own way of dealing with things and obstacles to overcome. The key is to have a healthy way of dealing with it all.
Forgive....forgive those who have hurt you...real or imagined...intended or unintended. Your anger serves no purpose and the internal anger ends up hurting you probably a lot more than them. (this is something we ALL need to work on...even me).

Love....this is a huge one. It encompasses many others...including forgiveness, compassion, etc. It is the ultimate feeling. Love....Approach everything with love...and everyone with love. Since you tend to be more introverted, use it to your advantage and observe. Here's what I want you to do. Pick something you don't like...lets pick flies. Who really likes flies anyways!!! haha but seriously...they do serve a purpose. They are nature's garbage disposals. Without them the world would really be gross. So...in a way...you can see their beauty and love them. Now take something else...take a person...you can take most people and find something beautiful about them and love them for it....but let's just say you can't see it. Let's just say they are the most demonic evil person ever created...you can still love them...you want to know how? Look at them this way...without them, we would not know what love or good or kind is. Let me explain. If you lived in a world where everyone and everything was peaceful and happy...you would never know what happiness is...do you know why? Because you have never experienced the opposite of it. You can not really know and appreciate what anything is until you have had the opposite. So take that person and give thanks to them and send them love...for they teach lessons. No one is perfect in seeing this all the time. It is human nature to react or be upset or disgusted or angry. The secret is to be able to turn this thought on when you can.

I don't know what is in your heart towards me. I don't know what you've been told. I don't even know whether you hate me or love me...I love you unconditionally anyways. What do I ask of you...I do ask you to love me...love me for the imperfect human that I am. You don't have to like me...those are 2 different emotions. And if you say you can't love me because you don't know me...that's ok too and I understand...one day when you're an adult you can get to know me. I don't know where I'll be living, but it isn't too hard to find people if you look in the right places. Right now I'm in school to be a registered nurse and making good grades ...hope you are too :-) Good grades means a chance to get into school to learn what you want to learn and enjoying what you're learning. It is important to have a career you enjoy. If you're anything like the men on my side of the family, they all like working with engines, electronics, math, science, etc. I think your dad went for interior design...which means artistic/creative. Maybe be an engineer who designs things :-). Many times personality traits pass on generation to generation.

And yes....I know this message may never reach your eyes, but for me it brings me peace to write. I love writing and if your eyes don't see this...maybe it will reach your soul somehow...or your dreams :-)

So for now.....go with LIGHT and LOVE in your heart my sweet boy.....I think of you both always and you're always in my heart.